How do you tell someone that they are dating a prostitute? It’s a tough question that I have recently had to ask myself. A few months ago one of my co-workers, a guy named Frankie, introduced me to his girlfriend at a social function. Her name was Lisa, and aside from the slight double-chin thing she had going on, she was pretty good looking. I’ll put it this way, I’ve had way better, but I’ve also had a lot worse. She seemed pretty down to earth and an overall sweetie. We were having a send off for one of our other co-workers so I brought my camera to take pictures. Needless to say I snapped off a couple of Lisa so I could snap off some knuckle babies later to her sweet little ass.
One of my hobbies is checking out the local craigslist ads to see what the current escort market is like. Side note: Did you know that craigslist sells things other than prostitutes? It’s true, you can buy lots of stuff, from car parts to lawn equipment. I digress. During my search I notice and advertisement for a local college student in need of some quick cash. I clicked on the link, because deep down I am a philanthropist. This girl seems different from the others. I feel like I have seen her somewhere else. Maybe I just recognize her from one of the many strip clubs this city in known for. This girl really sticks out in my memory though. Her ad says that she is Lizzy, a 21 year old college student and she likes to have fun. I bet you do honey. She is short and petite, and very cute in her pictures. Then it hits me. Lisa...Lizzy, Lizzy...Lisa, Lisa...Lizzy. I felt like Darwin discovering a species in it’s natural habitat. I have seen girls in strip clubs and then randomly recognized them in the local grocery store, but this was way better. This girl entered my world a normal college chick dating one of my co-workers, and was now a member of the oldest profession in the world. God bless the internet.
I immediately go to work C.S.I. style. I pull up many pictures of the known prostitute “Lizzy” and the pictures I took of the now alleged prostitute “Lisa”. There is something off though. Lizzy is about 10-15 pounds lighter than Lisa. Here’s where the marvels of modern social networking come into play...enter Facebook. I immediately track down Lisa’s FB profile, and see that she has some pictures up from about a year ago, before she put on the freshman 15. I was floored when I saw that they were a perfect match of the Craigslist pictures. From tan lines, to hairlines, it was the same girl. What do I do? I have to be sure. I have to get a second opinion. I bring the matter up to one of my good friends and co-workers, Don. I give Don a complete brief of the situation and then do a side by side comparison of the pictures. Marcia Clark wishes she had me on her prosecution team during the O.J. Simpson trial. Don is one hundred percent convinced that they are the same girl.
Kinda weird that she chose a stage name so similar to her real name. Don asks; “What’s your next move?’. I then begin a craigslist search of her name. I find that she has been posting steadily, with an average of about every two days or so, for the past few months (Busy little beaver). I then do a little detective work on my end, asking Frankie about his girl. He says that they have been dating for about two months and that he really is beginning to fall for her. Here’s a little info about Frankie: 1)He is dimwitted, and socially awkward. 2) I wouldn’t put it past him to pay a hooker to pretend to be his girlfriend. 3) He is very dimwitted and socially awkward. Through my investigation I discover that he met her at a concert while other people were around. The going rate for a dinner date with an escort ranges in the $500 area. I don’t think he dropped upwards of $750 dollars on her, dinner, and concert tickets just for an elaborate charade to convince all of us that he could get a woman. I begin to feel bad for the guy. Does he know? Does he not know? How do I tell him? Those who know me, know that I rarely have moral dilemmas, mainly because I have loose morals. What if he knows, but is fine with it, and if I tell him, he gets embarrassed and feels shame? What if he doesn’t know and falls in love with her, and ends up married to a prostitute? Is it wrong of me to call her and set a date up with her? These are all good questions, and I don’t know what to do.
I needed to seek counsel on this. I go back to my good friend Don, and discuss the matter with him. The facts of the matter are, that she is still advertising as a prostitute and dating him at the same time. If he doesn’t know, then she is a terrible person. If he does know and he is fine with it, then god bless them. We both decide that the best thing to do is not tell Frankie, because after all it’s none of my business. He isn’t my homie, he is just an acquaintance, nothing more. If he does end up marrying her or something, maybe then I will address it and send him an anonymous e-mail with the pictures attached, because after all, I do have the pictures saved to my computer. Is that bad of me? Feel free to weigh in on this. If it were me I would want to know, because I would not be with her anymore if I found out. Maybe I’m just not big enough of a man. I will let everyone know how it plays out in the end. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Hot Tub Time Machine
If you are like me, then you love movies like The Karate Kid, Back to the Future, and Red Dawn. The writers for Hot Tub Time Machine took the scripts from all three movies and threw them in a blender...out came the best comedy since The Hangover. No, there aren’t Russians hopping into a time traveling Delorean to fight Cobra Kai’s in the All Valley Tournament (Although the actual plot isn’t that far off). This is a guy comedy that reunites old friends that have grown apart over the years. Adam (John Cusack) just got dumped by his live in girlfriend. Although he got top billing, I feel that Cusack’s presence is almost an homage to 80‘s movies all together, which is really the main theme of the movie. Nick (Craig Robinson)...(the warehouse supervisor from The Office) is an unhappy, shell of a man, that is holding on for dear life to a marriage, even though his wife cheated on him. Lou (Rob Corddry) is the supreme comic relief throughout the movie. All the actors carry their weight, but the MVP is without a doubt Lou. Lou, as Nick so eloquently puts it “Is that asshole at the party, but he’s our asshole”. Everyone has a friend like Lou. A friend that is just so callous and abrasive that you don’t know why the hell you are friends with him in the first place, then you remember...he is more loyal than your precious golden retriever could ever be. Rounding out the fearsome foursome is Jacob (Clark Duke). Jacob is Cusack’s 20 year old nephew who lives in a world of online gaming and texting. A total nerd that has most likely never had the pleasure of being inside a woman’s vagina.
If Zach Galifianakis stole the show in The Hangover, Rob Corddry definitely topped Zach with his performance in Hot Tub. Rob Stole every scene including my favorite, I’ll entitle “The Bathroom Blow Job”. Rob’s character “Lou” gets the bright idea to gamble on football games since he knows all their outcomes. After racking up a sizable pot of winnings he is tempted with a double or nothing bet with one of the other bar patrons, who is none other than Billy Zabka. You might remember Billy Zabka from his role as Johnny Lawrence, in a little movie called The Karate Kid. Lou is into Zabka’s character for a lot of money and begins to gloat. In addition to a great deal of money Lou Bets Zabka’s character for a blow job from his wife if he wins the next bet. As Zabka looks to his wife and contemplates the bet, Lou whispers to Zabka’s wife “I’m really great at getting head”. They agree to the bet. Lou needs John Elway to throw a touchdown pass with 37 seconds remaining. If Lou wins, he gets a lot of money and a classy blow job from one of the girls from Wedding Crashers (One of the chicks in the “falling on the bed” montage...she’s the one with the biggest tits). If Lou loses, he gives up ALL of his winnings and has to give his friend Nick a blow job. Since the guys have all gone back in time, they have created a rift in the time-space continuom, and Elway’s pass is dropped. After trying to welch on the blow job portion of the bet, Zabka pulls out a gun and makes them go into the bathroom. Our duo finds themselves in the bar’s bathroom with what seems like 100 onlookers and Lou is on his knees. They both begin to cry and Lou pulls Nick’s shirt up to reveal his penis. What happens next is beyond funny. Lou looks up as he is crying from the forced rape and tells Nick “Wow, good for you man”, obviously impressed by Nick’s “size”. As he leans forward to begin, he comments “It’s just so...Black”, at which point Nick passes out. We are all saved from the Deliverance-Like moment that was about to ensue.
Nick awakes to find that Zabka wasn’t really going to make them do it. The plot moves along when the elitist “Ski Patrol” guys beat up Lou and take his backpack. the backpack has the fuel for the time machine...RUSSIAN RED BULL. Now in 2010 Russian Red bull can be found in any corner store, but in 1986 it’s a little hard to come by. The Ski Patrol guys suspect our heroes are Russian spies and begin to form plans to launch a counter offensive. A side plot that is going on the whole time, is a boring, very forced love story between Cusack’s character and a Rolling Stone reporter played by Lizzy Caplan from the hit show “Party Down” (she is very hot by the way). The whole romance is lame and is only there to give the big star more screen time. To avoid ruining the movie for all the readers, I will save a majority of the jokes for your viewing pleasure.
The biggest complaint that I have heard about the movie is that the ending was so fantastical that it wasn’t believable. If a Hot Tub turning into a time machine isn’t unbelievable enough for you, then I guess you just can’t suspend disbelief and have fun for an hour and forty minutes, and I don’t want to know you. I think they ended the movie quite well. Who hasn’t dreamed about going back in time and buying stock in Google and Microsoft...etc? The writers went one better than that. Lou stayed back in time while his friends went back to the future (he he). He stayed behind and wrote songs and became a famous rock star (he just wrote Mötley Crüe songs before they could). When he was done partying, he decided to invent “Lougle”, beating out the guys before they could invent Google. Once Cusack and the other’s returned back to their proper time, they found that their terrible, abrasive, friend Lou had taken care of all of them. He made them all millionaires, got Cusack together with the Rolling Stone reporter (who is very hot by the way), and made it so Nick’s wife never cheated. The only place that you’ll find a better happy ending is in an Asian spa, and I’m talking from personal experience. To close this blog out, I’ll leave you with yet another carrot to entice you to the theatre to see this very funny movie.
While discussing ideas to change the future:
Nick: “We can prevent Miley Cyrus!”
Lou: “Prevent her from what?”
Nick: “Just prevent her.”
If Zach Galifianakis stole the show in The Hangover, Rob Corddry definitely topped Zach with his performance in Hot Tub. Rob Stole every scene including my favorite, I’ll entitle “The Bathroom Blow Job”. Rob’s character “Lou” gets the bright idea to gamble on football games since he knows all their outcomes. After racking up a sizable pot of winnings he is tempted with a double or nothing bet with one of the other bar patrons, who is none other than Billy Zabka. You might remember Billy Zabka from his role as Johnny Lawrence, in a little movie called The Karate Kid. Lou is into Zabka’s character for a lot of money and begins to gloat. In addition to a great deal of money Lou Bets Zabka’s character for a blow job from his wife if he wins the next bet. As Zabka looks to his wife and contemplates the bet, Lou whispers to Zabka’s wife “I’m really great at getting head”. They agree to the bet. Lou needs John Elway to throw a touchdown pass with 37 seconds remaining. If Lou wins, he gets a lot of money and a classy blow job from one of the girls from Wedding Crashers (One of the chicks in the “falling on the bed” montage...she’s the one with the biggest tits). If Lou loses, he gives up ALL of his winnings and has to give his friend Nick a blow job. Since the guys have all gone back in time, they have created a rift in the time-space continuom, and Elway’s pass is dropped. After trying to welch on the blow job portion of the bet, Zabka pulls out a gun and makes them go into the bathroom. Our duo finds themselves in the bar’s bathroom with what seems like 100 onlookers and Lou is on his knees. They both begin to cry and Lou pulls Nick’s shirt up to reveal his penis. What happens next is beyond funny. Lou looks up as he is crying from the forced rape and tells Nick “Wow, good for you man”, obviously impressed by Nick’s “size”. As he leans forward to begin, he comments “It’s just so...Black”, at which point Nick passes out. We are all saved from the Deliverance-Like moment that was about to ensue.
Nick awakes to find that Zabka wasn’t really going to make them do it. The plot moves along when the elitist “Ski Patrol” guys beat up Lou and take his backpack. the backpack has the fuel for the time machine...RUSSIAN RED BULL. Now in 2010 Russian Red bull can be found in any corner store, but in 1986 it’s a little hard to come by. The Ski Patrol guys suspect our heroes are Russian spies and begin to form plans to launch a counter offensive. A side plot that is going on the whole time, is a boring, very forced love story between Cusack’s character and a Rolling Stone reporter played by Lizzy Caplan from the hit show “Party Down” (she is very hot by the way). The whole romance is lame and is only there to give the big star more screen time. To avoid ruining the movie for all the readers, I will save a majority of the jokes for your viewing pleasure.
The biggest complaint that I have heard about the movie is that the ending was so fantastical that it wasn’t believable. If a Hot Tub turning into a time machine isn’t unbelievable enough for you, then I guess you just can’t suspend disbelief and have fun for an hour and forty minutes, and I don’t want to know you. I think they ended the movie quite well. Who hasn’t dreamed about going back in time and buying stock in Google and Microsoft...etc? The writers went one better than that. Lou stayed back in time while his friends went back to the future (he he). He stayed behind and wrote songs and became a famous rock star (he just wrote Mötley Crüe songs before they could). When he was done partying, he decided to invent “Lougle”, beating out the guys before they could invent Google. Once Cusack and the other’s returned back to their proper time, they found that their terrible, abrasive, friend Lou had taken care of all of them. He made them all millionaires, got Cusack together with the Rolling Stone reporter (who is very hot by the way), and made it so Nick’s wife never cheated. The only place that you’ll find a better happy ending is in an Asian spa, and I’m talking from personal experience. To close this blog out, I’ll leave you with yet another carrot to entice you to the theatre to see this very funny movie.
While discussing ideas to change the future:
Nick: “We can prevent Miley Cyrus!”
Lou: “Prevent her from what?”
Nick: “Just prevent her.”
Adelita's
Any Marine stationed in San Diego since the early 1990’s at least knows of, but probably has been to, “Adelita’s” in Tijuana Mexico. The old line “What happens in Tijuana stays in Tijuana” isn’t always true. Especially if you go to Adelita’s. Any good trip to “T.J.”, as the locals call it, involves large amounts of alcohol, hotdogs wrapped in bacon, a stop at Adelita’s, and a long walk back across the border, normally covered in small patches of vomit. My first experience in T.J. was no different, except for maybe the residue of crest toothpaste on my dick.
My good friends Gabe, Juan, Edgar and I went down to T.J. on a weekend liberty that we got from our Commanding Officer. It was the summer of 2003 and we were all dressed in our best “Pussy Getting” clothes. We parked our car on the American side of the border and crossed through the military checkpoint. Once on the other side, everything instantly seemed to get crazy. From the small kids trying their hardest to sell us “Chic-let’s” to the sorority girls down from San Diego State University, we were all just looking to have some fun, and most likely make a few mistakes. Gabe and Edgar were already Adelita’s veterans, but Juan and I were greenhorns, not schooled in the ways of the Tijuana’s night life. I immediately wanted to go and see this beautiful “Pussy Oasis” as Gabe called it. They told me that was a rookie mistake. “You always try and get free pussy at the dance clubs first. We wait till the end of the night to go to Adelita’s”, said Edgar. I wanted to argue, but their logic was sound.
The first stop of the night was some Mexican strip club. I ask them why they would bring me here of all places. They say it’s to show me how great Adelita’s would be by comparison. I ended up having a good time, not as good as Gabe though. Gabe ended up going back to the lap dance room with one of the strippers, and spent some of his Adelita’s money on her. For $25 he ended up getting what he said was the forth best blow-job of his life, a pretty good compliment considering Gabe had slept with over a 125 women by that point of his life. 125 women might seem like a lot, mainly because it is. One might be inclined to call “Bullshit” on Gabe, but if you ever went out on the town with him, you would totally believe the number. He was a short man, but what he lacked in height he surely made up for in physical prowess. He was in perfect physical shape, and looked like a bodybuilder. He was handsome in the face, and could talk a woman into doing almost anything. I feat I witnessed on many occasions.
Since beer is fairly cheap in Mexico, we ended up getting pretty drunk before someone (I think it was me) got the bright idea to check out some bars. After visiting a string of trendy “Americanized” bars, we ended up finding one of Edgar’s favorite watering holes. “Club Mystere” boasts a ten dollar all you can drink special, that it more than lives up to. It’s your normal, run of the mill hip hop dance club. We all have a good time. Edgar loves it the most, because he has been successful there in the past. According to him, and verified by Gabe, Edgar has gotten blow-jobs from three different girls in the there. His preferred location...the men’s bathroom. Edgar said he loves making the women get on their knees in a dirty men’s bathroom. Tonight he is on the prowl. He is a native mexican, and this is his natural environment. The $10 well drinks are more than he can handle though. He begins to get sloppy. His attempts to dance with a girl fail, and when she begins to dance with a black man, he starts in on a tirade of racial insults in spanish. The woman, being Mexican, can understand them. She translates for her dance-partner. Edgar begins to run through the crowd. He is short yet we can see him waving his button down shirt in the air. He had taken it off because he thought it made him look cooler, and it’s Mexico in the middle of summer, so it was really hot. We see that the black guy is giving chase with two of his friends. The three of us run outside and see the two of them going at it in the alley as his friends watch. We simply explained to them that there were three of them and four of us. We offered to just leave and go to another club. If they didn’t let Edgar go, we were gonna fuck them up. It was simple math, and they gave up. As a thank you, a now sweaty and slightly bloodied Edgar buys us what, to this day, I believe were the best Hotdogs that I have ever encountered. They were plump and delicious and wrapped in bacon. The Hotdogs were just the boost I needed to finish the night. The next stop...Adelita’s.
We pile into a cab and say “Take us to Adelita’s!”. The cab driver, an old man with no teeth, begins to laugh and starts to shout “pussssssy”. We begin to laugh, and I start to feel like a kid on christmas morning. The cab comes to a screeching halt. We get out and Juan pays the cab driver, who is still screaming “Pussssy”. There are neon lights everywhere and I can’t even find the entrance because I am so excited. Gabe points me in the right direction, and opens the door for me like Willy Wonka, and says “Welcome home my friend”. I walk in and instantly hear the music. the whole place is filled with some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. It’s technically a strip club, but it’s really a whore house. The women all just sit on stage in chairs and wait for someone to call them over. They are all clothed, some more than others. There is an equal amount of male patrons to female workers. There had to be at least fifty women working that night. The most surprising thing, is that we are the only Americans in the place, and I was the only white boy. I point this fact out to Edgar who tells me that this place is unknown to the “Gringos”, and that I should feel honored to be here. I tell him that I am, and thank him for his kindness. We find a booth and order some beers. I still need a thorough brief on procedure for this place. Gabe sits next to me and explains. You have to negotiate with a girl for her price. Gabe says to not pay over $75, or else the girls will get spoiled, and will try to charge everyone that price. Once you come to and accord with the Whore, you go outside, down the alley, and upstairs to their “Motel”, pay $11 dollars for the room for twenty minutes. I voice my concern about the whole “walk down a dark alley alone with a whore in Mexico” thing, but they tell me to stop being a pussy. The last bit of advice they give me before I go, is to not take the first girl I see. They tell me to really shop around. I stand up and walk towards the bar. As I walk away, I look back. Gabe looks at me like a proud parent on their child’s first day of school. I could swear that I saw a small tear in the corner of his eye, but I couldn’t be sure.
I stand at the bar with my beer, just waiting for the first woman to come by. The ladies don’t just sit on stage. The owner makes them walk around and talk to the men to make them feel comfortable. They take turns in the rotation of mingling with the guys. I let a few come up and talk to me. Each one seems hotter than the next. As I talk to the women I occasionally look up and see Gabe, and Edgar shaking their heads no. After about five women come up and chat with me, I decide to go back to the booth. I ask them what they were shaking their heads at. They tell me to just keep my eyes on the prize. They want me to really look at the entire collection before making my choice. As they are telling me this, Juan walks up with a tray of 8 tequila shots. I ask him why he brought 8 shots. He tells me “Two each, man”. Not really the answer I was looking for, but I can’t argue with his math. We hang out and drink more beer. I am feeling incredibly drunk at this point, and we all agree to “open season” on the women. We go our separate ways. As I walk around I can feel myself getting more and more drunk as the tequila hits my blood stream. I walk up to a nice little thing in a tight black dress. My blurred vision autocorrects and tells me she is hot. She is cute and tells me her name is Jessica. She says it with such a cute accent that I decide I must have her. I ask her “How Much?”. She tells me $75, plus the $11 for the room. I start to search through my pockets, and only come up with $41. I am surprised at how quickly and happily she agrees to $30. We begin our slow walk down the alley. We ascend the stairs and go inside. A man sitting at a small counter greets us. He begins to talk to Jessica in spanish. He says something to me, that I take as “give me the money”. I take out the $41 dollars and give it to him. Jessica freaks out and grabs the wad of cash. She pays him the $11 that he is owed, and keeps the rest. He goes in a back room, and returns with a towel, and a small purse that I assume has the condom and other “sex stuff” in. We go down the hall and she opens the door to a dim-lit room. We go in a she motions for me to get in bed. Her english is terrible, but it is far better than my spanish. I see her undress, and I start to rethink my choice in women. She isn’t quite what I would call fat, but she definitely doesn’t have the tight body that I had seen on other women before her. Her breasts are large but once the Bra is removed, sag down to her belly button, and I do mean BELLY. I am past the point of no return and I figure at this point pussy is pussy. I see her pull a tube of crest toothpaste out of her purse. I then see her open it and squeeze some of the toothpaste into her hand. I am in utter amazement at what she does next. She begins to slather the toothpaste all over and, inside of her vagina. A sane and rational man would have seen this and decided to leave, but me being me, I decide to stick this out, and see where it goes. She comes over to the bed and begins to unzip my pants. Before I can protest she starts to give me a blow-job. An condomless blow-job from a thirty dollar whore in Mexico...smart move. She stops and makes a motion to her wrist like she is pointing to a watch. I take this as meaning we have to hurry before time runs out. She applies the condom and climbs on top. She is surprisingly spry for a borderline fat chick. She rides it for a few minutes before pointing to her wrist again. I tell her to get off and bend over. She understands that much English. She tells me to wait. She grabs the tube of toothpaste and applies more to her vagina. I now know why...the room stinks to high heaven on fish. She had quite possibly the smelliest vagina that I have ever encountered. No amount of toothpaste could cover up that terrible odor. I bend her over and quickly finish. She grabs the towel and removes the condom. I walk over to the sink and get on my tippy toes to wash my dick under the faucet. There is no soap and no amount of plain water will be enough to wash away this smell. I figure it will be ok, within two hours I’ll be back in my barracks room and I can take a shower.
We both get dressed and she kisses me on the cheek. My buzz is wearing off and I can see now that she is a woman in her late 40’s and is not what you would call a “Natural Beauty”. We walk outside and I see my friends out front waiting for me. They were all out of money and couldn’t afford any women. Thankfully I had saved ten dollars in my other pocket for cab fare. We hail a cab and head back to the boarder. Juan is in the front seat and I am sandwiched between Gabe and Edgar. They are both extremely drunk and ask me all about my first adventure at Adelita’s. I tell them how I gave all the money to the attendant. Gabe chimes in “Fucking Rookie”. We all laugh. Edgar then asks “Did you get some stink finger?”, and at the same time grabs my hand to smell. This was probably his worst decision of the night. He smelled the disgusting pussy smell on my hand from where I tried to wash my dick. He instantly vomits all over Gabe and I. The cab driver freaks out, stops the car and kicks us out. It’s only a short walk back to the boarder and I figured Edgar just saved my last ten dollars. As we approach the military checkpoint and offer up our I.D.’s the sentry’s laugh hysterically. They said we were the first guys all night to come across the boarder covered in vomit. We thanked them for their praise and headed to the car.
Juan is the least drunk of us all, and it being his car anyway, he drives us back to base. When I got back to my room, I took my clothes off. I instantly smelled that horrible fish smell again. I took about a 45 minute shower before I felt clean enough to go to bed. Once back in my room, my clothes permeated the whole place with that terrible smell. I was too tired to wash my clothes so I went outside and threw them in the dumpster. They were ruined anyway...right? I laid in bed and as I fell asleep all I could think about was my next trip to Adelita’s.
My good friends Gabe, Juan, Edgar and I went down to T.J. on a weekend liberty that we got from our Commanding Officer. It was the summer of 2003 and we were all dressed in our best “Pussy Getting” clothes. We parked our car on the American side of the border and crossed through the military checkpoint. Once on the other side, everything instantly seemed to get crazy. From the small kids trying their hardest to sell us “Chic-let’s” to the sorority girls down from San Diego State University, we were all just looking to have some fun, and most likely make a few mistakes. Gabe and Edgar were already Adelita’s veterans, but Juan and I were greenhorns, not schooled in the ways of the Tijuana’s night life. I immediately wanted to go and see this beautiful “Pussy Oasis” as Gabe called it. They told me that was a rookie mistake. “You always try and get free pussy at the dance clubs first. We wait till the end of the night to go to Adelita’s”, said Edgar. I wanted to argue, but their logic was sound.
The first stop of the night was some Mexican strip club. I ask them why they would bring me here of all places. They say it’s to show me how great Adelita’s would be by comparison. I ended up having a good time, not as good as Gabe though. Gabe ended up going back to the lap dance room with one of the strippers, and spent some of his Adelita’s money on her. For $25 he ended up getting what he said was the forth best blow-job of his life, a pretty good compliment considering Gabe had slept with over a 125 women by that point of his life. 125 women might seem like a lot, mainly because it is. One might be inclined to call “Bullshit” on Gabe, but if you ever went out on the town with him, you would totally believe the number. He was a short man, but what he lacked in height he surely made up for in physical prowess. He was in perfect physical shape, and looked like a bodybuilder. He was handsome in the face, and could talk a woman into doing almost anything. I feat I witnessed on many occasions.
Since beer is fairly cheap in Mexico, we ended up getting pretty drunk before someone (I think it was me) got the bright idea to check out some bars. After visiting a string of trendy “Americanized” bars, we ended up finding one of Edgar’s favorite watering holes. “Club Mystere” boasts a ten dollar all you can drink special, that it more than lives up to. It’s your normal, run of the mill hip hop dance club. We all have a good time. Edgar loves it the most, because he has been successful there in the past. According to him, and verified by Gabe, Edgar has gotten blow-jobs from three different girls in the there. His preferred location...the men’s bathroom. Edgar said he loves making the women get on their knees in a dirty men’s bathroom. Tonight he is on the prowl. He is a native mexican, and this is his natural environment. The $10 well drinks are more than he can handle though. He begins to get sloppy. His attempts to dance with a girl fail, and when she begins to dance with a black man, he starts in on a tirade of racial insults in spanish. The woman, being Mexican, can understand them. She translates for her dance-partner. Edgar begins to run through the crowd. He is short yet we can see him waving his button down shirt in the air. He had taken it off because he thought it made him look cooler, and it’s Mexico in the middle of summer, so it was really hot. We see that the black guy is giving chase with two of his friends. The three of us run outside and see the two of them going at it in the alley as his friends watch. We simply explained to them that there were three of them and four of us. We offered to just leave and go to another club. If they didn’t let Edgar go, we were gonna fuck them up. It was simple math, and they gave up. As a thank you, a now sweaty and slightly bloodied Edgar buys us what, to this day, I believe were the best Hotdogs that I have ever encountered. They were plump and delicious and wrapped in bacon. The Hotdogs were just the boost I needed to finish the night. The next stop...Adelita’s.
We pile into a cab and say “Take us to Adelita’s!”. The cab driver, an old man with no teeth, begins to laugh and starts to shout “pussssssy”. We begin to laugh, and I start to feel like a kid on christmas morning. The cab comes to a screeching halt. We get out and Juan pays the cab driver, who is still screaming “Pussssy”. There are neon lights everywhere and I can’t even find the entrance because I am so excited. Gabe points me in the right direction, and opens the door for me like Willy Wonka, and says “Welcome home my friend”. I walk in and instantly hear the music. the whole place is filled with some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. It’s technically a strip club, but it’s really a whore house. The women all just sit on stage in chairs and wait for someone to call them over. They are all clothed, some more than others. There is an equal amount of male patrons to female workers. There had to be at least fifty women working that night. The most surprising thing, is that we are the only Americans in the place, and I was the only white boy. I point this fact out to Edgar who tells me that this place is unknown to the “Gringos”, and that I should feel honored to be here. I tell him that I am, and thank him for his kindness. We find a booth and order some beers. I still need a thorough brief on procedure for this place. Gabe sits next to me and explains. You have to negotiate with a girl for her price. Gabe says to not pay over $75, or else the girls will get spoiled, and will try to charge everyone that price. Once you come to and accord with the Whore, you go outside, down the alley, and upstairs to their “Motel”, pay $11 dollars for the room for twenty minutes. I voice my concern about the whole “walk down a dark alley alone with a whore in Mexico” thing, but they tell me to stop being a pussy. The last bit of advice they give me before I go, is to not take the first girl I see. They tell me to really shop around. I stand up and walk towards the bar. As I walk away, I look back. Gabe looks at me like a proud parent on their child’s first day of school. I could swear that I saw a small tear in the corner of his eye, but I couldn’t be sure.
I stand at the bar with my beer, just waiting for the first woman to come by. The ladies don’t just sit on stage. The owner makes them walk around and talk to the men to make them feel comfortable. They take turns in the rotation of mingling with the guys. I let a few come up and talk to me. Each one seems hotter than the next. As I talk to the women I occasionally look up and see Gabe, and Edgar shaking their heads no. After about five women come up and chat with me, I decide to go back to the booth. I ask them what they were shaking their heads at. They tell me to just keep my eyes on the prize. They want me to really look at the entire collection before making my choice. As they are telling me this, Juan walks up with a tray of 8 tequila shots. I ask him why he brought 8 shots. He tells me “Two each, man”. Not really the answer I was looking for, but I can’t argue with his math. We hang out and drink more beer. I am feeling incredibly drunk at this point, and we all agree to “open season” on the women. We go our separate ways. As I walk around I can feel myself getting more and more drunk as the tequila hits my blood stream. I walk up to a nice little thing in a tight black dress. My blurred vision autocorrects and tells me she is hot. She is cute and tells me her name is Jessica. She says it with such a cute accent that I decide I must have her. I ask her “How Much?”. She tells me $75, plus the $11 for the room. I start to search through my pockets, and only come up with $41. I am surprised at how quickly and happily she agrees to $30. We begin our slow walk down the alley. We ascend the stairs and go inside. A man sitting at a small counter greets us. He begins to talk to Jessica in spanish. He says something to me, that I take as “give me the money”. I take out the $41 dollars and give it to him. Jessica freaks out and grabs the wad of cash. She pays him the $11 that he is owed, and keeps the rest. He goes in a back room, and returns with a towel, and a small purse that I assume has the condom and other “sex stuff” in. We go down the hall and she opens the door to a dim-lit room. We go in a she motions for me to get in bed. Her english is terrible, but it is far better than my spanish. I see her undress, and I start to rethink my choice in women. She isn’t quite what I would call fat, but she definitely doesn’t have the tight body that I had seen on other women before her. Her breasts are large but once the Bra is removed, sag down to her belly button, and I do mean BELLY. I am past the point of no return and I figure at this point pussy is pussy. I see her pull a tube of crest toothpaste out of her purse. I then see her open it and squeeze some of the toothpaste into her hand. I am in utter amazement at what she does next. She begins to slather the toothpaste all over and, inside of her vagina. A sane and rational man would have seen this and decided to leave, but me being me, I decide to stick this out, and see where it goes. She comes over to the bed and begins to unzip my pants. Before I can protest she starts to give me a blow-job. An condomless blow-job from a thirty dollar whore in Mexico...smart move. She stops and makes a motion to her wrist like she is pointing to a watch. I take this as meaning we have to hurry before time runs out. She applies the condom and climbs on top. She is surprisingly spry for a borderline fat chick. She rides it for a few minutes before pointing to her wrist again. I tell her to get off and bend over. She understands that much English. She tells me to wait. She grabs the tube of toothpaste and applies more to her vagina. I now know why...the room stinks to high heaven on fish. She had quite possibly the smelliest vagina that I have ever encountered. No amount of toothpaste could cover up that terrible odor. I bend her over and quickly finish. She grabs the towel and removes the condom. I walk over to the sink and get on my tippy toes to wash my dick under the faucet. There is no soap and no amount of plain water will be enough to wash away this smell. I figure it will be ok, within two hours I’ll be back in my barracks room and I can take a shower.
We both get dressed and she kisses me on the cheek. My buzz is wearing off and I can see now that she is a woman in her late 40’s and is not what you would call a “Natural Beauty”. We walk outside and I see my friends out front waiting for me. They were all out of money and couldn’t afford any women. Thankfully I had saved ten dollars in my other pocket for cab fare. We hail a cab and head back to the boarder. Juan is in the front seat and I am sandwiched between Gabe and Edgar. They are both extremely drunk and ask me all about my first adventure at Adelita’s. I tell them how I gave all the money to the attendant. Gabe chimes in “Fucking Rookie”. We all laugh. Edgar then asks “Did you get some stink finger?”, and at the same time grabs my hand to smell. This was probably his worst decision of the night. He smelled the disgusting pussy smell on my hand from where I tried to wash my dick. He instantly vomits all over Gabe and I. The cab driver freaks out, stops the car and kicks us out. It’s only a short walk back to the boarder and I figured Edgar just saved my last ten dollars. As we approach the military checkpoint and offer up our I.D.’s the sentry’s laugh hysterically. They said we were the first guys all night to come across the boarder covered in vomit. We thanked them for their praise and headed to the car.
Juan is the least drunk of us all, and it being his car anyway, he drives us back to base. When I got back to my room, I took my clothes off. I instantly smelled that horrible fish smell again. I took about a 45 minute shower before I felt clean enough to go to bed. Once back in my room, my clothes permeated the whole place with that terrible smell. I was too tired to wash my clothes so I went outside and threw them in the dumpster. They were ruined anyway...right? I laid in bed and as I fell asleep all I could think about was my next trip to Adelita’s.
The Lizard
I walk my post in a military manner, keeping always on the alert, observing everything that takes place in sight or hearing, just like I’ve been taught, because I am a good Marine. It’s the middle of the night and I have drawn the most boring post in camp. I’m what they call a “Rover” for the next six hours. I go from post to post making sure everything is in order. Since the “Corporal of the Guard” also serves this function, the “Rover” normally ends up finding a quiet corner of the camp to properly pass out in for a few hours to catch up on some much needed sleep. Sleep is on my mind, but I have a more pressing matter to attend to. My platoon has been on convoy for the past four days and I am about twenty days removed since my last “Combat Jack”, or what civilians call “Jerking Off”.
The Gods favor me tonight for I am under the cover of darkness. The new moon is in the sky, and only a person with Night Vision Goggles could see what I was about to do. Since the Marine Corps is all about saving a penny, not a single Marine in the camp has working NVG’s. My dirty deeds will go completely unseen. I come across a 7-ton in the staging area. A 7-ton is a giant troop/cargo carrying truck with a canvas tarp covering the rear of the vehicle. I sidle up to front driver’s side wheel and unbutton my fly. I keep my finger straight and off the trigger until I am ready to fire. I quickly look into the darkness to check for any passers by, as if I could see anything in the pitch black that cascaded over everything. Every sound I hear makes me freeze like a statue out of fear of being caught. I hear a rustling in the sand that sounds like footsteps. I’ll pretend to be peeing. No one will be the wiser. After a few minutes, I assume the sound was the wind blowing sand against the metal of the truck chassis. I resume my attempt at pleasure. The starting and stopping from every little sound is starting to play havoc with my libido. I slowly become flaccid, but I can’t miss this opportunity, I don’t know when I’ll have the chance again. It’s all become like work now. I lean over and place my forearm against the side of the truck and rest my head against my forearm. I hate “Cracking Stick” while standing up, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Sand covers every crevice of my body. That’s the thing I hate most about the desert...the sand. Sand is everywhere. A thin layer of the gritty sand covers my hands, even still I quickly bring myself to climax and am amazed that I can’t detect a single drop of my discharge anywhere. Baffled by this, I quickly button up my fly and take out my flashlight and investigate the area. As I point the beam of light towards my estimated landing area, I discover a giant desert lizard, with 4 tracks of my precious seed across it’s back. I couldn’t help but think how great it must of felt for that cold blooded animal to have my warm batter all across it’s back. Life is all about the simple pleasures.
I decide to go over to the generator area to catch some shut eye. There is a perfect little tunnel between all the Conex boxes where no one would find me. Much like the first time I masturbated, I get incredibly sleepy, and pass out for three hours. We never really grow up...do we?
The Gods favor me tonight for I am under the cover of darkness. The new moon is in the sky, and only a person with Night Vision Goggles could see what I was about to do. Since the Marine Corps is all about saving a penny, not a single Marine in the camp has working NVG’s. My dirty deeds will go completely unseen. I come across a 7-ton in the staging area. A 7-ton is a giant troop/cargo carrying truck with a canvas tarp covering the rear of the vehicle. I sidle up to front driver’s side wheel and unbutton my fly. I keep my finger straight and off the trigger until I am ready to fire. I quickly look into the darkness to check for any passers by, as if I could see anything in the pitch black that cascaded over everything. Every sound I hear makes me freeze like a statue out of fear of being caught. I hear a rustling in the sand that sounds like footsteps. I’ll pretend to be peeing. No one will be the wiser. After a few minutes, I assume the sound was the wind blowing sand against the metal of the truck chassis. I resume my attempt at pleasure. The starting and stopping from every little sound is starting to play havoc with my libido. I slowly become flaccid, but I can’t miss this opportunity, I don’t know when I’ll have the chance again. It’s all become like work now. I lean over and place my forearm against the side of the truck and rest my head against my forearm. I hate “Cracking Stick” while standing up, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Sand covers every crevice of my body. That’s the thing I hate most about the desert...the sand. Sand is everywhere. A thin layer of the gritty sand covers my hands, even still I quickly bring myself to climax and am amazed that I can’t detect a single drop of my discharge anywhere. Baffled by this, I quickly button up my fly and take out my flashlight and investigate the area. As I point the beam of light towards my estimated landing area, I discover a giant desert lizard, with 4 tracks of my precious seed across it’s back. I couldn’t help but think how great it must of felt for that cold blooded animal to have my warm batter all across it’s back. Life is all about the simple pleasures.
I decide to go over to the generator area to catch some shut eye. There is a perfect little tunnel between all the Conex boxes where no one would find me. Much like the first time I masturbated, I get incredibly sleepy, and pass out for three hours. We never really grow up...do we?
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