Adelita's

Any Marine stationed in San Diego since the early 1990’s at least knows of, but probably has been to, “Adelita’s” in Tijuana Mexico. The old line “What happens in Tijuana stays in Tijuana” isn’t always true. Especially if you go to Adelita’s. Any good trip to “T.J.”, as the locals call it, involves large amounts of alcohol, hotdogs wrapped in bacon, a stop at Adelita’s, and a long walk back across the border, normally covered in small patches of vomit. My first experience in T.J. was no different, except for maybe the residue of crest toothpaste on my dick.

My good friends Gabe, Juan, Edgar and I went down to T.J. on a weekend liberty that we got from our Commanding Officer. It was the summer of 2003 and we were all dressed in our best “Pussy Getting” clothes. We parked our car on the American side of the border and crossed through the military checkpoint. Once on the other side, everything instantly seemed to get crazy. From the small kids trying their hardest to sell us “Chic-let’s” to the sorority girls down from San Diego State University, we were all just looking to have some fun, and most likely make a few mistakes. Gabe and Edgar were already Adelita’s veterans, but Juan and I were greenhorns, not schooled in the ways of the Tijuana’s night life. I immediately wanted to go and see this beautiful “Pussy Oasis” as Gabe called it. They told me that was a rookie mistake. “You always try and get free pussy at the dance clubs first. We wait till the end of the night to go to Adelita’s”, said Edgar. I wanted to argue, but their logic was sound.

The first stop of the night was some Mexican strip club. I ask them why they would bring me here of all places. They say it’s to show me how great Adelita’s would be by comparison. I ended up having a good time, not as good as Gabe though. Gabe ended up going back to the lap dance room with one of the strippers, and spent some of his Adelita’s money on her. For $25 he ended up getting what he said was the forth best blow-job of his life, a pretty good compliment considering Gabe had slept with over a 125 women by that point of his life. 125 women might seem like a lot, mainly because it is. One might be inclined to call “Bullshit” on Gabe, but if you ever went out on the town with him, you would totally believe the number. He was a short man, but what he lacked in height he surely made up for in physical prowess. He was in perfect physical shape, and looked like a bodybuilder. He was handsome in the face, and could talk a woman into doing almost anything. I feat I witnessed on many occasions.

Since beer is fairly cheap in Mexico, we ended up getting pretty drunk before someone (I think it was me) got the bright idea to check out some bars. After visiting a string of trendy “Americanized” bars, we ended up finding one of Edgar’s favorite watering holes. “Club Mystere” boasts a ten dollar all you can drink special, that it more than lives up to. It’s your normal, run of the mill hip hop dance club. We all have a good time. Edgar loves it the most, because he has been successful there in the past. According to him, and verified by Gabe, Edgar has gotten blow-jobs from three different girls in the there. His preferred location...the men’s bathroom. Edgar said he loves making the women get on their knees in a dirty men’s bathroom. Tonight he is on the prowl. He is a native mexican, and this is his natural environment. The $10 well drinks are more than he can handle though. He begins to get sloppy. His attempts to dance with a girl fail, and when she begins to dance with a black man, he starts in on a tirade of racial insults in spanish. The woman, being Mexican, can understand them. She translates for her dance-partner. Edgar begins to run through the crowd. He is short yet we can see him waving his button down shirt in the air. He had taken it off because he thought it made him look cooler, and it’s Mexico in the middle of summer, so it was really hot. We see that the black guy is giving chase with two of his friends. The three of us run outside and see the two of them going at it in the alley as his friends watch. We simply explained to them that there were three of them and four of us. We offered to just leave and go to another club. If they didn’t let Edgar go, we were gonna fuck them up. It was simple math, and they gave up. As a thank you, a now sweaty and slightly bloodied Edgar buys us what, to this day, I believe were the best Hotdogs that I have ever encountered. They were plump and delicious and wrapped in bacon. The Hotdogs were just the boost I needed to finish the night. The next stop...Adelita’s.

We pile into a cab and say “Take us to Adelita’s!”. The cab driver, an old man with no teeth, begins to laugh and starts to shout “pussssssy”. We begin to laugh, and I start to feel like a kid on christmas morning. The cab comes to a screeching halt. We get out and Juan pays the cab driver, who is still screaming “Pussssy”. There are neon lights everywhere and I can’t even find the entrance because I am so excited. Gabe points me in the right direction, and opens the door for me like Willy Wonka, and says “Welcome home my friend”. I walk in and instantly hear the music. the whole place is filled with some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. It’s technically a strip club, but it’s really a whore house. The women all just sit on stage in chairs and wait for someone to call them over. They are all clothed, some more than others. There is an equal amount of male patrons to female workers. There had to be at least fifty women working that night. The most surprising thing, is that we are the only Americans in the place, and I was the only white boy. I point this fact out to Edgar who tells me that this place is unknown to the “Gringos”, and that I should feel honored to be here. I tell him that I am, and thank him for his kindness. We find a booth and order some beers. I still need a thorough brief on procedure for this place. Gabe sits next to me and explains. You have to negotiate with a girl for her price. Gabe says to not pay over $75, or else the girls will get spoiled, and will try to charge everyone that price. Once you come to and accord with the Whore, you go outside, down the alley, and upstairs to their “Motel”, pay $11 dollars for the room for twenty minutes. I voice my concern about the whole “walk down a dark alley alone with a whore in Mexico” thing, but they tell me to stop being a pussy. The last bit of advice they give me before I go, is to not take the first girl I see. They tell me to really shop around. I stand up and walk towards the bar. As I walk away, I look back. Gabe looks at me like a proud parent on their child’s first day of school. I could swear that I saw a small tear in the corner of his eye, but I couldn’t be sure.

I stand at the bar with my beer, just waiting for the first woman to come by. The ladies don’t just sit on stage. The owner makes them walk around and talk to the men to make them feel comfortable. They take turns in the rotation of mingling with the guys. I let a few come up and talk to me. Each one seems hotter than the next. As I talk to the women I occasionally look up and see Gabe, and Edgar shaking their heads no. After about five women come up and chat with me, I decide to go back to the booth. I ask them what they were shaking their heads at. They tell me to just keep my eyes on the prize. They want me to really look at the entire collection before making my choice. As they are telling me this, Juan walks up with a tray of 8 tequila shots. I ask him why he brought 8 shots. He tells me “Two each, man”. Not really the answer I was looking for, but I can’t argue with his math. We hang out and drink more beer. I am feeling incredibly drunk at this point, and we all agree to “open season” on the women. We go our separate ways. As I walk around I can feel myself getting more and more drunk as the tequila hits my blood stream. I walk up to a nice little thing in a tight black dress. My blurred vision autocorrects and tells me she is hot. She is cute and tells me her name is Jessica. She says it with such a cute accent that I decide I must have her. I ask her “How Much?”. She tells me $75, plus the $11 for the room. I start to search through my pockets, and only come up with $41. I am surprised at how quickly and happily she agrees to $30. We begin our slow walk down the alley. We ascend the stairs and go inside. A man sitting at a small counter greets us. He begins to talk to Jessica in spanish. He says something to me, that I take as “give me the money”. I take out the $41 dollars and give it to him. Jessica freaks out and grabs the wad of cash. She pays him the $11 that he is owed, and keeps the rest. He goes in a back room, and returns with a towel, and a small purse that I assume has the condom and other “sex stuff” in. We go down the hall and she opens the door to a dim-lit room. We go in a she motions for me to get in bed. Her english is terrible, but it is far better than my spanish. I see her undress, and I start to rethink my choice in women. She isn’t quite what I would call fat, but she definitely doesn’t have the tight body that I had seen on other women before her. Her breasts are large but once the Bra is removed, sag down to her belly button, and I do mean BELLY. I am past the point of no return and I figure at this point pussy is pussy. I see her pull a tube of crest toothpaste out of her purse. I then see her open it and squeeze some of the toothpaste into her hand. I am in utter amazement at what she does next. She begins to slather the toothpaste all over and, inside of her vagina. A sane and rational man would have seen this and decided to leave, but me being me, I decide to stick this out, and see where it goes. She comes over to the bed and begins to unzip my pants. Before I can protest she starts to give me a blow-job. An condomless blow-job from a thirty dollar whore in Mexico...smart move. She stops and makes a motion to her wrist like she is pointing to a watch. I take this as meaning we have to hurry before time runs out. She applies the condom and climbs on top. She is surprisingly spry for a borderline fat chick. She rides it for a few minutes before pointing to her wrist again. I tell her to get off and bend over. She understands that much English. She tells me to wait. She grabs the tube of toothpaste and applies more to her vagina. I now know why...the room stinks to high heaven on fish. She had quite possibly the smelliest vagina that I have ever encountered. No amount of toothpaste could cover up that terrible odor. I bend her over and quickly finish. She grabs the towel and removes the condom. I walk over to the sink and get on my tippy toes to wash my dick under the faucet. There is no soap and no amount of plain water will be enough to wash away this smell. I figure it will be ok, within two hours I’ll be back in my barracks room and I can take a shower.

We both get dressed and she kisses me on the cheek. My buzz is wearing off and I can see now that she is a woman in her late 40’s and is not what you would call a “Natural Beauty”. We walk outside and I see my friends out front waiting for me. They were all out of money and couldn’t afford any women. Thankfully I had saved ten dollars in my other pocket for cab fare. We hail a cab and head back to the boarder. Juan is in the front seat and I am sandwiched between Gabe and Edgar. They are both extremely drunk and ask me all about my first adventure at Adelita’s. I tell them how I gave all the money to the attendant. Gabe chimes in “Fucking Rookie”. We all laugh. Edgar then asks “Did you get some stink finger?”, and at the same time grabs my hand to smell. This was probably his worst decision of the night. He smelled the disgusting pussy smell on my hand from where I tried to wash my dick. He instantly vomits all over Gabe and I. The cab driver freaks out, stops the car and kicks us out. It’s only a short walk back to the boarder and I figured Edgar just saved my last ten dollars. As we approach the military checkpoint and offer up our I.D.’s the sentry’s laugh hysterically. They said we were the first guys all night to come across the boarder covered in vomit. We thanked them for their praise and headed to the car.

Juan is the least drunk of us all, and it being his car anyway, he drives us back to base. When I got back to my room, I took my clothes off. I instantly smelled that horrible fish smell again. I took about a 45 minute shower before I felt clean enough to go to bed. Once back in my room, my clothes permeated the whole place with that terrible smell. I was too tired to wash my clothes so I went outside and threw them in the dumpster. They were ruined anyway...right? I laid in bed and as I fell asleep all I could think about was my next trip to Adelita’s.