How do you tell someone that they are dating a prostitute? It’s a tough question that I have recently had to ask myself. A few months ago one of my co-workers, a guy named Frankie, introduced me to his girlfriend at a social function. Her name was Lisa, and aside from the slight double-chin thing she had going on, she was pretty good looking. I’ll put it this way, I’ve had way better, but I’ve also had a lot worse. She seemed pretty down to earth and an overall sweetie. We were having a send off for one of our other co-workers so I brought my camera to take pictures. Needless to say I snapped off a couple of Lisa so I could snap off some knuckle babies later to her sweet little ass.
One of my hobbies is checking out the local craigslist ads to see what the current escort market is like. Side note: Did you know that craigslist sells things other than prostitutes? It’s true, you can buy lots of stuff, from car parts to lawn equipment. I digress. During my search I notice and advertisement for a local college student in need of some quick cash. I clicked on the link, because deep down I am a philanthropist. This girl seems different from the others. I feel like I have seen her somewhere else. Maybe I just recognize her from one of the many strip clubs this city in known for. This girl really sticks out in my memory though. Her ad says that she is Lizzy, a 21 year old college student and she likes to have fun. I bet you do honey. She is short and petite, and very cute in her pictures. Then it hits me. Lisa...Lizzy, Lizzy...Lisa, Lisa...Lizzy. I felt like Darwin discovering a species in it’s natural habitat. I have seen girls in strip clubs and then randomly recognized them in the local grocery store, but this was way better. This girl entered my world a normal college chick dating one of my co-workers, and was now a member of the oldest profession in the world. God bless the internet.
I immediately go to work C.S.I. style. I pull up many pictures of the known prostitute “Lizzy” and the pictures I took of the now alleged prostitute “Lisa”. There is something off though. Lizzy is about 10-15 pounds lighter than Lisa. Here’s where the marvels of modern social networking come into play...enter Facebook. I immediately track down Lisa’s FB profile, and see that she has some pictures up from about a year ago, before she put on the freshman 15. I was floored when I saw that they were a perfect match of the Craigslist pictures. From tan lines, to hairlines, it was the same girl. What do I do? I have to be sure. I have to get a second opinion. I bring the matter up to one of my good friends and co-workers, Don. I give Don a complete brief of the situation and then do a side by side comparison of the pictures. Marcia Clark wishes she had me on her prosecution team during the O.J. Simpson trial. Don is one hundred percent convinced that they are the same girl.
Kinda weird that she chose a stage name so similar to her real name. Don asks; “What’s your next move?’. I then begin a craigslist search of her name. I find that she has been posting steadily, with an average of about every two days or so, for the past few months (Busy little beaver). I then do a little detective work on my end, asking Frankie about his girl. He says that they have been dating for about two months and that he really is beginning to fall for her. Here’s a little info about Frankie: 1)He is dimwitted, and socially awkward. 2) I wouldn’t put it past him to pay a hooker to pretend to be his girlfriend. 3) He is very dimwitted and socially awkward. Through my investigation I discover that he met her at a concert while other people were around. The going rate for a dinner date with an escort ranges in the $500 area. I don’t think he dropped upwards of $750 dollars on her, dinner, and concert tickets just for an elaborate charade to convince all of us that he could get a woman. I begin to feel bad for the guy. Does he know? Does he not know? How do I tell him? Those who know me, know that I rarely have moral dilemmas, mainly because I have loose morals. What if he knows, but is fine with it, and if I tell him, he gets embarrassed and feels shame? What if he doesn’t know and falls in love with her, and ends up married to a prostitute? Is it wrong of me to call her and set a date up with her? These are all good questions, and I don’t know what to do.
I needed to seek counsel on this. I go back to my good friend Don, and discuss the matter with him. The facts of the matter are, that she is still advertising as a prostitute and dating him at the same time. If he doesn’t know, then she is a terrible person. If he does know and he is fine with it, then god bless them. We both decide that the best thing to do is not tell Frankie, because after all it’s none of my business. He isn’t my homie, he is just an acquaintance, nothing more. If he does end up marrying her or something, maybe then I will address it and send him an anonymous e-mail with the pictures attached, because after all, I do have the pictures saved to my computer. Is that bad of me? Feel free to weigh in on this. If it were me I would want to know, because I would not be with her anymore if I found out. Maybe I’m just not big enough of a man. I will let everyone know how it plays out in the end. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
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Time now is 10:26 PM or 2226 for the military type or foreign people reading this. I got out of bed to comment on this mainly because like Ryan I have a passion for writing but I am not as good and also I feel somewhat responsible for the writer’s dilemma. I first met Ryan in the Marine Corps and took him on as a little brother type. I taught him some fucked up shit, basically how to be a shit bag in the Marine Corps and get away with it while putting on a performance so one can get promoted on an on average basis. The point is that your morals are correct sir and it brings a tear to my eye that after all these years you have remembered the lessons I have taught you. Yeah your “Acquaintance” needs to learn on his own BUT my moral lessons say that you can’t fuck with him secretly and promote the fact among other co-workers and close friends that “lizzy” or “star” or “chastity”, whatever stage name she is using is a straight up HOOKER. Here are some ideas that I respectfully request that you take into consideration.
ReplyDelete1. Start a fake Face book account with the craigslist picture with erroneous information that slightly matches the true Lisa’s profile. Friend Request him and see if he gets it.
2. Reply to the Ad she has posted, obvious numerous times, with his picture and stats sending a detailed message about how he thinks his girlfriend Lisa is cheating on him and he needs to get his “Rocks off”
3. Take the picture, send it into a website called http://www.jigsaw2order.com/yourphotopuzzle.html . They will turn that picture into a puzzle, being that he is somewhat smart and can do time/distance math problems in his head quickly a 500 piece puzzle should be no problem. Make him put it together at work while he is on break. See if the brain synapses connect. Do this towards the end of the shift so you can take him for a beer after.
4. I am all for anonymous emails but I would write the email as her stating to check out her pictures on craigslist etc. See if he can connect the dots that way.
5. You can all, whomever is on your crew/shift, get T shirts made of the picture and with a clever caption like; “I was part of Bang “Lizzy” 2010” or “Craigslist rocks” or maybe stick that shank deeper into his heart by saying a classic thing like “This girls has a Vajean like Wizard Sleeve” (Thank you Borat)
The Dilemma is far and wide on this one. I admire your courage to hold out and see where it goes. You risk your Acquaintances HIV status on a Hooker from Craigslist while at the same time bring endless stories and smiles to your face. I am all for secrecy with this but at the same time, Ryan you know me. I never hold back and ridicule everyone for the stupid shit they do. On another note if he is happy and socially awkward then you take on the responsibility of ensuring the he is placed in a pussy relocation program i.e. going to bars and whore houses and strip clubs to get him replacement pussy if you straight up tell him. My vote is slowly fuck with him and see if he gets the hint.
Thank you, your input is appreciated. I especially like the Puzzle idea. Classic.
ReplyDeleteI got plenty more ideas let me sleep on it. I even have an idea of full blown parade....but that is expensive.
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious
ReplyDelete